September | 2019 | Mummy Priscilla

I bade my grandmother a final farewell a week ago. My grandmother, also my children’s Great Grandmother, was 88.

Her burial took place yesterday. Her funeral wake was from Monday to Sunday.

During this time, husBenKoh and I were busy in different ways. HusBenKoh took leave from work to take care of the kids and brought them out every day while I stayed at the wake to help with whatever I could.

At night, all of us, including both the big kid and small kid were at the wake, every single night.

Some people think that children may not understand loss and grief. I think otherwise.

My firstborn, Phoebie, attended her first funeral when she was three and a half years old. My Father had passed away and Phoebie grieved her beloved gong gong.

How do I know that she grieved?

She cried the whole time we were on the way to the cemetery to bury my father. When we asked her why she cried, she said, “Because gong gong is gone.”

Both my children were blessed to have spent quite some time with their Great Grandmother (they called her Tai Ma), and I wanted them to know that she had finally passed, that she was no longer going to be around.

As we took one last look at my grandmother while she laid in the coffin, my younger child, five year old Breyen, asked me, “What happened to Tai Ma?” I told him that Tai Ma had passed away and that she would no longer be with us.

He looked confused and asked me the same question a couple of times more. Each time, I calmly gave him the same answer. He seemed to understand and broke down in tears.

Phoebie hugged Breyen and I and cried together. I didn’t stop them from crying. We all just huddled together and cried for a while.

This is grief, and love for the person close and dear to us who had just passed on. And the children understood.

On Sunday morning, as my family got ready for the funeral procession, my children were overwhelmed. One didn’t have appetite for breakfast and the other wanted to be carried most of the time.

Both kids noticed that I was crying from time to time. The big kid rubbed my shoulder and said, “It’s going to be okay, mummy, everything will be okay.”

The small kid looked at my teary eyes and said, “Mama, are you crying? Are you sad?” I said yes. There was nothing to hide and nothing to lie to him about. Grief is real, and grief is normal.

As I got busy with the funeral procession, both kids stayed close to husBenKoh, huddled together and broke into big sobs, seemingly sad that this was the final goodbye to their Tai Ma.

I didn’t care that people saw my kids crying. I didn’t care if they knew why they were crying. I knew why. I knew my kids understood the love their Tai Ma had for them, and that they were going to miss her.

As we walked behind the cortège, my children were solemn while I cried big sobs, unable to contain my grief. The big kid quietly held my hand while the small kid held his dad’s. The small kid had many questions, like why we were walking on the road behind the cortège for so long. And husBenKoh patiently answered every single question.

As my grandmother’s coffin was lowered into the ground, the children kicked the soil a little and watched as everything took place. It had been a long week for them, and they were tired, much like the rest of us in the family.

After everything was finally done, we packed our things from my mum’s place and went home. We had stayed over for a whole week so that we could be with the rest of the family every day.

The kids knew that I was exhausted and left me to wash up and sleep early while husBenKoh got them ready to go back to school the next day.

Throughout the week, we had the kids involved in their Tai Ma’s funeral wake in every way. They said their last goodbye, talked to family and friends who attended the wake, sat quietly (maybe not that quietly) playing games on their game console and iPads, and ran around from time to time while all the grown ups were busy, and finally cried their tears of grief for the loss of their Tai Ma.

Children understand grief, and we didn’t want to shield them from any of it. We wanted them to know that last goodbyes are part of life and it’s okay to cry. We also wanted them to see how important it is for family to stick together especially during the time of bereavement. I pray that whatever my family did had taught my children that.