This passage was in my “mother’s devotional” yesterday. I read the book almost every day, so that I can get some nuggets of wisdom as well as reminders of how to deal with the daily mum stuff.
This passage really tugged at my heart, not only because it’s true, but also because I do discipline the kids differently sometimes. I have had friends who told me that they feel I treat the kids differently, seemingly to imply that I am an unfair Mother. Initially, these comments affected me. Now, I just smile. I don’t think I need to explain myself.
No matter how close some friends or even family members are, they don’t know my kids like I do.
And to be honest, they probably don’t see how differently they treat their own children, thinking they are “fair” and equal at all times. But hey, what exactly is fair and/or equal?
My firstborn, Phoebie, will be turning nine this year. She is thriving in her learning, even though we have our fair share of challenges.
My second, Breyen, on the other hand, is turning five soon. He isn’t always easy to teach and guide, but he shows us how hard he tries.
How do I teach, discipline and handle a nine year old and a five year old the same way? I can’t.
Even if their age gap was smaller, say just one or two years apart, their personalities are so different.
My daughter is a social butterfly. She makes friends easily and at the same time has a sensitive soul. She is outspoken for her age (that’s what many people tell me), and amazes me with how fast she learns and picks up things.
My son, on the other hand, takes a longer time to warm up to people. He is like a free spirit when he plays but is also quick to apologise when he realises he has made a mistake. He doesn’t always learn fast, and can get frustrated when things get challenging.
My two children, oh so different.
Which is why I don’t see how I can teach, discipline or handle them the same way.
Don’t get me wrong. The rewards and punishments I hand out to both of them are of similar standards (I need to be “fair, right?). But the way I hand these things out may not be the same.
Reading the passage in my devotional reminded me of how upset I used to get when people tell me that I do not treat my children the same. It was like people are telling me that I don’t love my kids the same, that I favour one more than the other.
Yet at the same time, the passage has shown me how much I have let go of that negative sentiment that such comments bring me. I may not have learnt to fully let go, but I am definitely not as easily affected as before.
This morning, as I tied my daughter’s hair, I asked her to read this very same passage. After she was done, I asked her what she understood of it.
“That we all are created differently,” was her reply.
“What else?” I asked.
“That we are all unique,” she answered.
“Okay,” I said, “But it’s not only that.”
“The passage is also saying that because every child is different, as parents, we may have to use different ways to teach and discipline you. It’s just like how your brother and you are so different, and so I use different ways to teach you. But that doesn’t mean I love you differently.”
“There are some things I do with your brother that I don’t do with you. But there are also things that I do with you that I don’t do with him. I bring you for tea and cakes, do I bring him for that?” I asked.
Phoebie shook her head.
I went on to give her examples of things that I do with only her and not her brother, and said, “So it is the same with Breyen. There are things I do with him but I may not do with you.”
“But this does not mean that I love you differently. I do different things with each of you because you are two different people.”
Phoebie nodded.
She probably needs another reminder about this some time down the road, but for now, I think she understands what I said.
As for my son, I will not be asking him to read the same passage. He doesn’t know how to read yet, and I know we will do better if I just show him with actions.
And that’s how different my children are, and why I do things differently with each of them.
It might be more tiring to “customise” and tailor methods to each of their differences and needs, and others probably won’t understand, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is what is right for my kids.
Mummy Priscilla 