Not What You Think

For the first time since I became a mother of two, I resent what I am doing. I resent being a stay-at-home-mum, and I resent having no break from my children.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my children and they mean the world to me.

But the past few days have been so challenging that I want to run away, and yet, I have no where to run.

Recently, a fellow mum friend was going out to have some drinks and have some me-time. She commented that she wasn’t like me and she was selfish to her own needs and she needed time for herself.

Wait…. What now?

Who doesn’t want me-time? Which mum? If I could, I would want some me-time, best if I can get some every day. I would love to go out and chill, listen to some music and have some drinks.

But I can’t.

Breyen is only three months old and needs round-the-clock attention. If he was older, trust me, I’d be out to have my me-time as long as I can find a caregiver who can handle and take care of both my kids.

A lot of friends who see my Facebook updates tell me that they are amazed with how well I cope, staying at home with two young children. My response to them is always, “You don’t see the full picture and you have no idea what goes on at home.” And that’s the truth.

I wouldn’t say all, but most of what I update on my Facebook are of happy times with my children, how loving they are and how adorable they can be, and they are truths. However, there is also the other truth – the challenging times with the excessive crying and tantrums.

For the past few days, I have been trying so hard not to yell even though I am so mad. I fail half the time because I feel like I am going to explode.

“Walk away then. Take a break.”

I wish.

The husband hasn’t been around the past few nights because he has to work late. I’m not blaming him because work is work and having to work late isn’t his fault.

So how can I walk away when I am the only adult in the house with two young kids? Sometimes, walking away is really not an option.

Again, I love my children and they are the world to me. I will do anything for them.

But not everyday in parenthood is a kind day. Not everyday is hugs and kisses and “let’s have fun”.

Some days are just harder than others. And guess what? As a SAHM, I have no where to run.

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