Not Used To It

It’s been exactly a month since Pa’s demise, but it is all still so surreal. It doesn’t feel like he is gone, even though I can no longer see him or talk to him.

2014 has felt like a drag since it started because Pa was in the hospital from 2nd January to 2nd March. This past month passed even slower, so slow that both Ma and I felt it.

Keeping Ma occupied and busy so that she wouldn’t sit around and cry all day, that has been my mission for the past month. Though, I know letting her cry helps her in some ways too. She needs to cry and release some emotions, but I think my brothers and I fear that she will get stuck in the depressive mood.

I stayed back at my parents’ place a lot in the past month, just so my mum wouldn’t feel the loneliness. When I can’t stay there, I try to go back for dinner. I know Phoebie is a great distraction for my mum too. And Phoebie has definitely grown closer to my mum because of the time they spend together.

I talked to Phoebie quite a bit about Pa these few days. At three and a half years old, I’m amazed how much she can relate about where her Gong gong is now. “I lost my Gong gong already. He was in the truck and then we threw sand into the ground and then the uncles cover Gong gong and then we don’t see Gong gong anymore.” She remembers every single detail from the day of the funeral and knows that she won’t be seeing Gong gong anymore.

I don’t know what is appropriate to say to her about Gong gong. I only know that I don’t want Phoebie to forget her Gong gong. I don’t want her to forget how much Gong gong loves her and I don’t want her to forget the time they spent together.

20140402-220112.jpg I don’t want her to forget how much Gong gong loved to help her with her shoes.

20140402-220259.jpg I don’t want her to forget how much Gong gong loved every celebration that she had with him.

20140402-220406.jpg I don’t want her to forget how much Gong gong loved watching her being creative.

20140402-220644.jpg I don’t want her to forget how secretly happily Gong gong must have been when she wanted to be like him.

20140402-221014.jpg I don’t want her to forget how proud her Gong gong must have felt when he saw this photo, but didn’t say anything, probably because he was already in pain and we didn’t know, and slipped into a coma the day after he saw this photo.

20140402-221214.jpg Most of all, I don’t want her to forget that her Gong gong loved her since the day she was born and loved her more than he ever said it.

As tears flowed down my face writing this, Phoebie came to me and said “Mama, why are you crying? You miss Gong gong? I miss Gong gong too. Don’t be sad okay?”

Pa, if only you know how much we all miss you… I wish you were still here.

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